1. The super-flexible yoga show-off:
She skips the warm-up moves and bends straight into a pose that looks really fucking uncomfortable. When everybody else is groaning and struggling, she asks in a “polite” loud whisper if she can please move into full bhujangasana now?
2. The one who can’t do any of the moves:
At the other end of the spectrum is the person whose inflexible body is actually hewn from the trunk of an old tree. They can barely touch their knees, let alone their toes, and their downward dog looks more like a dog crouching for a wee. The whole thing is very embarrassing for them and they probably won’t come back next week, despite having optimistically paid £66 in advance for eight classes.
3. The camel toe:
An unfortunate by-product of genitalia and lycra. There may be several camel toes in every class.
4. The token man:
If the worst you have to suffer is a whiff of his luscious armpit hair, you’re lucky. Worst-case scenario is an accidental eyeful when his baggy shorts slip to one side during the lotus position.
5. The much older lady putting everyone else to shame:
When you first arrive in class you’re pleased to see her – wrinkly, grey-haired, she’ll slow the class down and take the heat off you. In the end, she just makes you feel much, much more depressed about being in your late twenties and barely able to bend over without breaking a massive sweat.
6. The heavy breather:
The class raise their hands as one, then gently roll forward into uttanasana. Everyone breathes slowly, deeply, and quietly, except ONE PERSON who sounds like they’re having sex. At least it covers up the sound of any accidental farts.
7. The injured person:
She’s rehabilitating after a terrible desk-related neck strain, but isn’t actually able to do any of the moves at this point. She annoyingly occupies about 75% of the teacher’s time and loudly complains that she can’t do that because it’ll hurt.
8. The relaxed person who makes it all look so easy:
She’s like a fucking rag doll, just flopping into positions like it’s the most natural thing in the world. At the end of the class she looks chilled and refreshed, instead of bright red, out of breath, and exhausted.
9. The sexy teacher who makes everyone slightly uncomfortable:
She hops about the class, resting a delicate hand on a twisted pelvis here, a sticking-out-bottom there. It is never not awkward to be touched in sensitive places by a half-naked lady while you’re lying helpless on a mat.